Monday, January 12, 2009

The awkward diners

Restaurant Rage: The Freaks

Ok, so we all know one. The freaks... and unfortunately for people in the service industry, the freaks eat out quite often. Some times there is only one, but at other times, they breed with other freaks, and come in as a family of freakdom.

Freaks are a source of great frustration, and of course... the cause of much Restaurant Rage! You may be asking... ok, what classifies one as freak?

To be classified as freak, sadly, is not all that hard. Worry not, my dear friends... it is much easier to NOT BE classified as a freak as well. Just avoid stupid behavior, blank stares, the need to be notified of things multiple times... I think you get the idea.

Freak Case #1: The Breakup.

This actually happened to a co-work of mine. A couple of co-workers and myself were chatting it up at the host stand. The waitress says to all of us "Ok, I'm gonna go greet that couple in the corner. I'll be right back."

She leaves us and walks over to the table. Seconds pass, and she stops short of the table. Slowly she hesitates left, then staggers right. We watch as spins a 180 degree turn and walks back to us.

"What's going on?" a host asks.

"THEY'RE BREAKING UP!" she replies.

"How do you know?" some else asks.

She answers: "Because as I was approaching I heard the man say '...I don't, I just don't love you anymore.' How fucked up is that?"

"Haha, Wow!"

Freak Case #2: The Charlie Chaplin Table

You remember those old silent films? Well, me neither really. Hopefully you do know that Charlie Chaplin was a silent film actor.

This is a pretty typical table really. You approach. You greet. Maybe two of four look up to acknowledge you are there. No response however. Not one of them makes a sound. "Do you guys need a few more minutes to settle in and check out the menu?"

No response.

"Alright... I'll be back with you in a few moments." From here on out, it's like pulling teeth. You literally count the seconds until this table pays out and leaves.

Freak Case #3: The inevitable air diet lady

"Hi, how is everyone doing today? Any questions on the menu?" Me.

Air diet lady: "Yeah, I was wondering what's in the falafel salad? Does it have dairy? Does it have Wheat?"

I think... shit, should have listened to the chef when this went on the menu. "I'm not exactly sure, let me check with the kitchen. I'll be right back." I return. "They advise you sticking to the menu items over on this side if you have any food allergies. Sorry." I point.

I'm not actually sure anything I said registered with her. She continues: "Can I sub fries for... oh wait. Are your fries fried in the same oil as meats and wheat products?"

Ok... let's just cut this story short. As much as I enjoy actually reliving the visit with this nuisance... I think you get my point. Look, if can't eat an ever expanding list items, please keep your air diet at home. I know you can't eat 98.8% of our menu.... just keep it easy on everyone. STAY HOME. You annoy the restaurant staff, you annoy your friends, and I'm sure you even get sick of yourself. Stay home, and eat your soy yogurt with celery veggie broth soup. (I don't hate you as a person, just as a diner.)

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